05-06-10

I have been quietly struggling with the concept of motherhood. I constantly have a feeling of void. I feel like I didn't complete my job, I didn't go full term. I know I must sound silly but a part of me feels like a bit of a disappointment. Not to mention the C-section plays a huge part in these feelings. I know the controversy over the convenience of a C-section. However, I consider the C-Section a lifesaver. If it was not available to me and the babies, they may not be here today. I am grateful on one hand but sad on the other. The C-section was a neat experience but it does take away from your emotional feelings of childbirth. Especially in my case, I didn't get to see them until a couple of hours later.

So...feeling like I didn't complete my job of carrying my babies 38 weeks and the lack of "giving birth"...ultimately I feel weird. Can I say..."I had them on April 14th?" Technically, I didn't have them and I don't feel like I had them. They were taken from me. It doesn't yet feel complete because I can't have them yet in my arms whenever I want them.

So the following poem helps me look forward to the things that will make these weird feelings go away. I try not to be silly about it but it is a quiet battle within me and I think them being in NICU and not home with me is adding some fuel to the fire. And to top it off, I will be having showers and I won't be pregnant. Talk about doing things backwards...I have definitely succeeded in that goal.

UPDATE:

Both Chicks are doing good today. Only change is in the flow of their nasal cannula. They are now down to 3 liters. Basically, this is the measure of the "High Flow" in their cannula. Goal is to lower that number and then put them on a "Low Flow" cannula. Still a long way to go but it is a step in the right direction.

My cousin sent me this email and I felt it was completely appropriate. I know I haven't experienced alot of what it says but I can't wait.

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom