04-09-10

Sorry about not updating on the ultrasound yesterday. I was beyond frustrated and I decided to save it for myself and not show some vibrant colors of mine. But all was the same yesterday. There was no reversal flow of blood just absent end...again.

I finally got permission to get off bedrest yesterday afternoon. Which is probably a good thing because I was finding it hard to get out of the bed. I think I was just a bit depressed about being here again. Even though I know I need to be here and between God and these girls they are making sure I am where I need to be...in the hospital. I just wish that this emotional roller coaster will slow down enough for me to adjust to this situation again. I am not sure the 3 day "Spring Break" was really worth it. The tease of being out of the hospital was more depressing than I thought.

I have been so frustrated with my doctors. They sent me back over to the hospital with the anticipation to have a C-section and then all is back to normal and stable. And then the day by day process is just a lot to handle.

After the ultrasound this morning, I was even more frustrated. All looked the same and I was about to get yet another speech from the doctor about how we just need to wait and grow some babies. I am all about waiting and growing babies the LAST go round. But now that reversal has showed its ugly face, I need more than just sit and rest and grow those babies. In the beginning, it was my goal to grow babies and hope for no reversal flow. Now that we have intermittent reversal, I need something else to be said. It is like...the bad has happened and now we are just going to sit and wait for it to get worse? I do not think so. I just wanted to scream, "Do not tell me to sit and wait for my baby to get worse before you decide to take the next step." What if worse is right around the corner and just waiting to surprise us. And then it is too late... I guess I should have been expecting this but I have always been told that reversal flow is "THE SIGN" to take it to the next level. Apparently, the next level has more than one step.

My ticking time bomb feels like it is about to explode and I can't shake my anxious feelings. I feel like half of me wants these babies out for fear that the reversal will cause more damage if not treated and then the other half feels like baking longer is the key. I don't want my babies in NICU even though I feel like they will get great care. I want to take my babies home with me.

Okay, back to my point. This afternoon Christy, the nurse practitioner, spoke with me and had different news other than the typical "just wait and grow babies." Well, now that reversal flow has showed its face, they are concerned with the growth of the babies. They have decided since I am now 7 months they will do growth scans every 2 weeks instead of 3 weeks. This was music to my ears. So I believe I will get another growth scan on Monday. And on Tuesdays, the doctors have meetings to discuss their trouble-maker patients.I am on that list...imagine that, someone believes I am a trouble-maker. Crazy thoughts! This meeting will bring all the doctors together to discuss and analyze my situation and come up with an educated plan to do what is best for these babies. So Monday, the growth scan will be huge. It will play a slightly enormous part in the upcoming plan. My new goal is to bake to 32 weeks. Dr. Eller told me that he is just uneasy with the ultrasounds and if I was at 32 weeks, he would deliver me.

I will be 29 weeks tomorrow and I will gladly be patient and work toward the 32 weeks. However, I really needed to know that a plan is in place. So my prayers have been answered. And this point, whatever their plan is will suit me. I just really needed something other than sit and wait. Sit and wait was fine the first go round but now we are playing with different cards in the deck and I need more of a plan. I need to know that if I wake up tomorrow and things are not right...all is in place. Basically, I need peace of mind. I need to know that more thought is being put into my situation. Call me selfish if you need too but I want to know that I am not just part of their routine.

After the information about a plan being put in place, I am more at ease with waiting til 32 weeks. However, I think my waiting will be more anxious this go round.